Well, I'm going to go home for lunch today. Yes, I brought a banana, a yogurt and a swiss roll, but it's not a good lunch. I could use a nice sandwich. And yes, I'm going home because Jon's friend is here and he wants to be alone with her and I feel uncomfortable and can't understand why he doesn't want me to know her as well and why he told me not to meet him for lunch today and I don't know why he said he'd have breakfast with me and didn't and I don't know why he couldn't go to sleep last night and I don't know why he thinks it's wrong of me to feel uncomfortable and scared and insecure when a girl he hasn't seen in five years is staying over in my house, sleeping in the next room, knowing that the last time he saw her, he was in love with her and she wasn't with him.

I think I have reason to feel the way I do. And that he invited her and asked her to please stay with us another day and now he's spending the entire day alone with her at my house. And last night he just looked at her while he talked and I was third wheel, hardly noticed. He leaned away from me when I sat next to him. He didn't touch me. He opened the door for her. He waited outside his car talking to her while I drove away to our parking lot, knowing he has to pick me up. As I slowly drove away, I watched him lean on his car, talk to her and laugh and not make any move to get in his car and follow me. I waited for them for five minutes before he showed up and we drove to the bar. Then he told me she might stay longer, only he didn't ask her yet and at dinner, he asked her and said, "Come on. It'll be fun."

Yeah. I'm uncomfortable with the fact that he might still be attracted to her. That he was restless last night with a hard on because she was next to us and that he didn't reach for me once, didn't hug me once, didn't notice I was in bed with him...

I hate how I feel and how I think and I can't decide if my trepidation is reasonable or unreasonable or natural or made up by me. I hate not being able to trust my instincts because they could be based on unnecessary insecurities. But how many times do women get married and trust the man they are with wholly and never think they'd do anything until the times comes when they do?

I need more air because I can't take breaths deep enough...