Yes. I was unreasonable yesterday. Yes, I exaggerated some feelings. Yes, I am now over it and hoping that I have learned to take hold of my confidence and myself before another female friend comes to visit. I did notice, however, that Jon doesn't know how to intertwine his various lives. He doesn't know how to mix his friends with his family, his family with his work, his work with his girlfriend. He feels that each segment of life deserves 100% of the attention but to give that much to a girlfriend, a sexual relationship of which he is uncomfortable and not used to (his family is quite tense about sex and girlfriends are automatically lumped in the "sex" scheme), and to group them all together feels stifling. I'm trying to ease my way in to each of these, where it is appropriate. A good friend brought up a wonderful point, however: Jon should still recognize that I am there, that I'm not fully informed when it comes to stories of his past and his old friend's, that I'm uncomfortable and it should be addressed. So today I just wrote him a quick note to let him know I'd like to know the stories they were sharing and laughing about. I told him I was too embarrassed to ask at the time (though I didn't explain to him why I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I felt he should have already known to include me by letting me know who each person is that he referred to in the story and to look at me when talking. To point it out in front of his friend would only feel like I was saying to her "we don't have a good relationship," though I know this is not the case!).

I feel much better today. Her visit was just bad timing, I think. I'm just learning to see Jon as my friend and not as the person responsible for my happiness. I'm learning to deal with my feelings and my life, to explore what makes me feel good, and to be confident in Jon's words when he says he loves me. The truth is that it's hard, terribly hard, and I am just starting out with timid little baby steps. I'm scared that it's the wrong thing to do, that I was right all along and other people just didn't understand! And in some very lucid moments when I'm feeling just plain ol' HAPPY, I can see how unreasonable I am being in the majority of my life. It has to stop! I can't keep doing this to myself, making myself sick and tense and anxious when it just isn't necessary. Jon would never cheat on me! Never! It was just BAD TIMING. Two months ago he broke up with me, but didn't love me any less, just felt deflated and defeated and all for good reason. I'm learning. It's hard, guys. It's so hard. I'm fortunate to have friends that are honest, open, and don't balk at my crazy thinking but help me to tear it apart and get to the root cause. I need more of it. More more more.

This entry isn't too long, but I wanted to let you know. Next pay day, I think I'm going to get internet access for my apartment (how long have I been saying this?). Tonight, Jon and I are going to a barbeque and then to see Minority Report, I think. Tomorrow, we're off to Connecticut to see my mother. I'm glad to be seeing her, but also wish I could sleep in and relax over the weekend. I get so tense with traveling so far. Have a wonderful weekend, and strong hugs to ev.