This is hard. Jon went to our friends house to watch The Sopranos (we don't have HBO). I'm just beginning to pack my things. I get my keys tomorrow. I painted my dressers yellow. Jon left the house. I was pulling my things off the walls--various postcards, cards, candles, etc. First, I took the card off the wall that Jon had given me for Valentine's day last last year when he was away in Boston. It was for best friends. For "my best friend, my lover, my everything." It was a sweet card and the message inside, written by him, had always given me something to smile about inside. Then I found the coffee card he had given me for our first Valentine's day. We used to compete with each other as to who could get our coffee cards filled up the fastest for the free drink. Sometimes, we used it to get the other a drink. It was a big deal between us back when we used to meet in the atrium where the coffee bar was, sleepy and groggy, but puppy-dog in love with each other and so happy to meet every morning, sitting for a half an hour to an hour, just talking, people-watching, and enjoying the time, despite how tired we were.

I started crying. I started moaning. The Jon walked in and he didn't see my face (I wouldn't let him), but I hoped he would. A huge part of me doesn't want this. A huge part of me feels that Jon is struggling with something; that his feelings are the same they always were, but whatever he's struggling with is holding him back, making him tense or nervous or scared. The way he removes himself from what's going on around him--it's so obvious.

My heart hurts, you guys. I love him so much and it feels so final to be pulling down the postcards he's written me; to find the homemade candle he made with our initials on it... I want to be by myself in my own apartment--that's true. But I want Jon to be with me... not living, because I need this chance, but to live in my heart and I in his.

I'm crying and I can't make myself find a reason for crying; trying to explain how sad I am is too hard. I just know that this hurts me; it hurts me so much. Now I know why I always wanted somebody else in line when I broke up with a boyfriend before; they distracted me. I still wanted to be with them, but it saved me from the grief.

I want to hug Jon so tight and let him know that I know who he is...and he's wonderful and he's allowed to be that person.

God....

my heart hurts so much.