Hi, friends.

I find myself in a dilemma of sorts. I think it's a dilemma though there are varying opinions on the matter. As you all know, I've been struggling with my feelings about Jon and I for a very long time. Over a year, I'd say, considering I started this journal almost a year ago and the problems were present long before I started it; besides, a year and a half ago I was going to break up with him...

Well. Now we're broken up. And I'm happy with it; sad because I know him; he's sweet; he's a man. I think, though, that I really just want affection. So badly. I love being touched; I love when someone hugs me or puts their cheek against mine.

I feel that there must be certain rules about when you can and cannot date other people. I'm sure it's more than two weeks later. I've alwasy justified my own actions by admitting that I had internally broken up with my boyfriends about a year before I could actually choke the words out. But then when I get a new relationship and things don't work out well, I blame it on the fact that I didn't give myself time before that boyfriend and the last.

Now I want to be with someone--not in love with them or married--but I'd love to lay on my couch with him and just be held. I dream about being held. People I've never seen in my life are holding me. It's a small thing I could get from somebody who wouldn't mind and there's no risk for disease. Though I have to admit--for some strange reason, ever since I broke up with Jon, I've been incredibly horny and want to have sex so badly. With the same person I want to hold me, of course. Thing is: sex was always about love to me. Now, I feel it's about feeling nice and warm. Not necessarily love.

I'm feeling that maybe that makes me a slut? Or maybe it makes me taking control of my own womanhood, understanding that sex doesn't make me any less of a human being that is compassionate and kind? Even while admitting how much I'd love to sleep naked with this person...I wonder what you all out there would think of me. Will I get urgent messages saying, "Ellie! Don't do it!" I want to tell him my apartment number so that one night, he'll knock on my window and come over and we'll kiss and kiss and kiss.

I know this is because I want affection so badly; I'm sure that's it's also because I don't have to worry about guilt-feelings. When with Jon, if I imagined for a SECOND what it would be like to be with someone else, I quickly had to wipe it away for fear of being "found out." Guilt overwhelmed me; Jon was my man; Jon was sexy; Jon is who I want. But Jon didn't reach out for me and though he is sexy, his inability to reach out made him NOT sexy. Now I don't have to worry about guilt; I can daydream for hours if I want to. And sometimes, I do. Sometimes I think to myself--"I'm glad this drive takes 20 minutes cause I want to daydream."

If I asked him, I think this man would hold me for a few hours. Just to cuddle. I think he likes that too. I think he'd love to see someone who is just as willing to lather him with affection as I am to get it. His own girlfriend (yes, he has a girlfriend) doesn't like affection. It's such a strange similarity to me.

Yeah yeah. I know. "Don't get involved with that." But you haven't seen him. Hee hee...

Regarding my new apartment: I'm very impressed I had fallen asleep AT ALL. I imagined I would be up all night, tossing and turning, scared.

I went to bed at 11:20 and feel asleep in a heartbeat. At 2:45 a.m., I was startled awake by someone walking upstairs. The floor creaks like crazy. Once I get used to it, no big deal. I'll just sleep through it; but that first night, it kept me awake for ages because I thought that apartment was EMPTY. I figured some hobo or burglar was up there, or some sicko had rigged up bunches of cameras and was watching me. (I watch Lifetime sometimes.) Needless to say, I was asleep on and off; the person kept walking around (must be a vampire community or something) and I woke up with a tension headache. AND, I woke up an hour late! Because I had set my clock to AM when it was PM. What a nerd.

My bio-dad has lent me money for moving. I'm so appreciative. First, I'm proud of myself for even ASKING. Second, I'm very happy he did because I sincerely was concerned he wouldn't. He had never given me help with anything before and I never asked him, only hinted a LOT.

So today I'm going to go get a new TV and a TV stand, or new coffee tables. I haven't decided.

I'll write more about my apartment later. I hope you all are doing well.