I don't know what's happening. Last night, I got sad. I could feel it settling in as soon as I got home from the gym. Jeff was home and he was uploading the Sims Online game that he had bought that afternoon. Bitterness settled in on my chest. Then I watched Law & Order and forgot about it. And then Law & Order was over and I was bitter again. I watched Jeff play the game and I sighed a lot. Then I walked by and leaned over his shoulder and watched, asked some questions. Then I did laundry. I got tired. At around 12, I went to bed. But I felt like crying and I felt alone so I got up and brought a pillow with me out to the couch. Before I had gone to bed, Jeff was on the couch with me; he was asking, "why do you have to go to bed so early?" Not seriously because he knows I have to work early, but because he wanted my company. But I was bitter and mad and so I just complained. When I came back out, he was on the computer again playing Sims and I laid on the couch and he said, "What's the matter, baby?" And I said I felt sick. He asked how I felt sick; what was hurting me. I said my head. He started rubbing my scalp and I said, "Not like a headache," and I could feel some tears coming on and I told him I was sad. He hugged me and asked me why and I couldn't explain and only said I didn't know--and really, I didn't. What was happening? Was it a sudden rush of hormones from working out earlier in the evening? He hugged me and I stayed up till 1:30 and then went to bed and fell asleep. He came to bed later and hugged me and rubbed my back and told me he loved me and I feel terrible for feeling so bitter without any real reason.

I hate when that happens. When sadness settles in and makes itself a cozy little home, driving out every good feeling you've had for the last month. Earlier yesterday, as soon as I got home from work, I got dressed in my spandex and sports bra, grabbed a discman and went to the gym. I warmed up on the treadmill for 7 minutes at 5.2 mph. Then I stretched. Then I did curls for my biceps and triceps. I did chin ups and dips. I waited for the cycling class to start. I did the class for 30 minutes and sweat. And it was nice. I felt energized, so I ran for 10 minutes on the treadmill at 5.2 mph. Then I did the leg press, some back exercises, the rotary for my obliques, crunches on the exercise ball, the hip ab- and adduction machines. I stretched. Did a downward dog. Then I drove home and felt terrible. I loved being at the gym. I felt better. I let work wash away. I drove there repeating, over and over, "Work is over. Let it just wash away, Crobs." I was successful at it.

What happened between the drive home from the gym and actually getting there to make me feel so alone and sad? More than anything, I felt alone. I felt like I missed Jeff, like he wasn't there, like he was going away and there was nothing I could do about it. It was ridiculous. What happened?

I only hope it doesn't happen again. Grrrr�