So Ellie is in the midst of having a bad last 12 hours. My mother is visiting with my niece and my niece is the cutest thing in creation. I'm so excited for my mother to be up and see my apartment.

I was thrilled my mom would be here to meet Jeff, who is, by far, the greatest person I've ever been with. It's so obvious that he cares about me and loves me. I had asked Jeff if he'd be uncomfortable hanging out or spending the night while my mom was here, and he said no. Well. My mother has been here for one week and Jeff has come over twice. Last night was the final straw and I just felt pissed and sad and almost embarrassed because I felt so proud of him and all that happens is what's happened with all my boyfriends. Jeff is saying it has nothing to do with my mom being here that makes him want to stay at his house; but my mom IS here and it means everything to me for him to come over. Instead, I find myself begging him to come over and hearing him say he doesn't want to and when I try to explain to him why it's so important, he says "Why are you making me feel bad?" Because IT'S THE TRUTH. It's how I feel.

I'm so angry, you guys. I feel like a complete fucking idiot for having so much faith in all of my boyfriends and when it comes to wanting some support and stability when my mom is here, they've all failed me. Am I asking too much? I'm beginning to think it has to be me. Am I expecting too much of them? This is a special occasion and Jeff is too tired to drive to my house. He just doesn't want to come over. It's not because of my mom, he says. So of course, I wrote an email to him with tears streaming down my face. I had logged on last night to see if he was on cause I just wanted some comfort. He said he was just about to log off and he didn't want me to think he was running away from me. I asked him, "so you're still gonna log off then?" because--after all--I had just logged on. He could talk to me, right? He said, "Do you want to talk?" and I thought about it. I thought that it was obvious I wanted to talk but it was also clear he didn't. I said No. See you later. He asked me something; I can't remember what. I said of course I want to talk but it's still to make you stay on when you don't want to. He asked me not to get mad and I told him I was trying my best to not be upset, but this has always been important to me. I'm trying to deal with it. He said I was weirding him out, so he was gonna go. I said, "Bye." He said, "fine, bye." I asked him, "Why are you saying 'fine'? You said you were going to go." It was quiet for a while and he said, "ok good bye." And signed off immediately. It hurt me. I felt a bit shunned, as if he had no reason at all to be pissed off at me. So I wrote him the email. Told him that it wasn't his responsibility to help make me feel safer or more secure in the face of my mother who is going to die. But I want that help. I want that person there with me who cares about me, and for some reason, makes it easier for me to look at my mother and allow myself to love her because it just doesn't hurt as much when someone else is there. I told him about the happiness I feel when I'm with him and how important it is for me that my mother see me happy; see me with someone who cares about me; who works with our family; who is perfect. Except I found myself begging him to come over. And I feel like an idiot. I wish I could have just said "okay" when he said he wasn't coming over, but I couldn't. I wanted him with me. And for the first time, we hadn't seen each other at all for an entire day while we were in the same town. And during a time when my mother is here: special circumstances, right? And he chose that day to not want to come over. And then says to me, as if I can believe it, that it has nothing to do with my mother.

I didn't tell him that last part.

And I didn't tell him this part, the part that scares me more than anything: I never expected Jeff to need me to tell him about this. I did already; weeks before I even knew my mom was coming up. We were talking about possibly visiting her and I told him about the comfort I find in having someone with me when I see her. So she's here. And he refuses to come over and tells me I'm trying to make him feel bad when I reiterate how important it is to me. Just like my last four boyfriends, he doesn't just do it for me. He doesn't just come over. He doesn't just say or think to himself, "I love Ellie. I'd love to know her family. I know her mom is sick. I know I may not have another opportunity. I know she needs some support. It's gotta be hard." Instead, he says no.

So you can see what scares me, right? Is this going to end like it did with the others? Is this going to be something I stuff in my pocket and resent for ages? Is he not the one for me, like they weren't? Am I fooling myself? Am I letting myself feel things that aren't there? He's so wonderful in every other way and so thoughtful to me and my feelings, I'm just stunned that he isn't helping me here. Now I'm afraid that what we share isn't as solid and committed as I've felt. Or is he just nervous?

I feel lost. I'm scared. I'm really afraid I'm scaring him away. But if he is like that�it's not so bad in the end.

Which feels terrible to say.