This past week has been truly tiring. I don't even know how to talk about it. Perhaps it's the whole month that has been crazy. I don't know. I have two cats now who are tons of fun despite their fur always tickling my nose while I'm at work. They shed like crazy. My clothes have fur all over them. They love Jeff to death and always pick the wrong time to finally get comfortable on me. They like to start meowing, jumping on my dressers, scratching at my sheets at about 7 a.m. when I'm trying so hard to forget that I have to wake up to work.

I learned that my baby sister, my niece's mother, had made the dangerous decision to take a train to Pennsylvania and hook up with a man she had never met in real life who would take her to Atlantic City and help her become a prostitute. My mother tried warning her of all the dangers, not to mention the fact that she had a daughter, but my sister didn�t want to hear it, so off she went Thursday night. Friday I was feeling a bit of a blow to the brain just letting all of history find it's way home. My sister has always been sad in some innate way and my other sister is so fed up with her bullshit, her sympathy and fear for her had been used up so often it was difficult to care anymore. My mother was feeling guilty for not being there for my sister throughout her childhood and I wanted to help my sister but understand all too well that she won't accept help, especially from me, who she sees as a bit of a know-it-all and snob. So I was feeling a bit low and wishing I could just shake everybody and say "Stop!" A co-worker offered to pray for my sister with me, but could tell I would be a bit uncomfortable with it. But I thought about it for the whole day and decided that I can't wait forever to find the person or persons who can support me when I need supporting. I don't want to have to worry about how I'm making that other person feel when I need their help and shoulder to lean on. I don't want to be so conscious of perhaps bringing them down as well, a worry I cannot help having. So I decided that perhaps that was one thing I could do to alleviate the pressure I was feeling. I asked my supervisor, a minister, if she would pray with the others at our training meeting that afternoon. At the meeting, she led us all in prayer and I got tingles. When these guys pray, it isn't just one voice while the others listen; it's a cacophony of voices mumbling their own wishes and prayers and it felt good, to be quite honest. It's like hoping out loud; it's recognizing that there are some things you can't control and when that happens, hope for the best.

I decided to go to my co-worker's church on Sunday. There was singing, hand clapping, hugging, blessing, people crying, calling out, praying. They welcomed me there despite being the only white person and obviously a bit defunct when it came to worshipping, but while there, I thought to myself: Any other Sunday, I'd be flipping through cable hoping for another episode of Trading Spaces. I'm glad I went, and I may even go again next week where they call me Sister Ellie.

I don't know what my true beliefs are, but I like being around other people and wishing for the best and trying to find some sort of peace in me. It's nice for me to know that I can place all my troubles on something else, even if that something else may not have ever been a real person. It's off of me and on something that can obviously handle it a bit better.