Hi, everyone. I am so sorry for not posting in such a long time. It's been so crazy in my life lately. As a run down in case I get booted off this computer or get really tired: My father came out for Memorial Day (also my birthday) while my mother and niece Serena were also here. Having my mother here really helped me, I think, and I also just let stuff go (resentment) and had a pretty okay and mostly comfortable time. The very next weekend, while my mom was still here, I flew out to Phoenix to see my father's sister. I haven't seen her in fifteen years but I've always liked her. I had a nice time. I came home and have been having a great deal of fun with my niece. I love her to absolute death. This coming weekend, she's finally going home and I'm going to miss her so much!! I'm going to be following my mom back to CT and then we're heading up to NH to see my little brother finally graduate high school.

I went to my supervisor's office last week and told her I was thinking that July 29 was going to be my last day. I was too overwhelmed and stretched out and it was just all too much at once (considering also that I had all this other personal stuff going on). She pointed out that this job is different for me than other caseworkers because I'm working with my past every single day. We talked about the trainings I was scheduled for in June and July and she took me out of them and suggested I give it a shot over the month of June and if July comes with me feeling the same way, to let her know and that will be that. I'm already feeling much much better though.

Jeff, meanwhile, is the greatest thing I've ever had standing beside me. I love him so much and he's so good to me. We've been together over six months and still feeling very happy and smitten.

At the end of August, I'm going to return to Phoenix and do the Landmark Forum. My aunt had done it and she strongly suggested I participate. Judging by everything I've read about it, I feel that once I complete it, my future will look a whole lot different. I also feel that I'll pick my pen back up and get down to writing again, with real purpose this time... I miss it. I really do.

Having my niece here has also had me thinking a lot about having children. I love her so much. At the end of this month, she and my mom are moving down to Florida with my little sister Joey who is now 10 weeks pregnant herself. I love my other sister Laura very very much (I'm done giving pseudonyms to my siblings--it's too much to pay attention to), but she is so down on herself and harming herself and those around her that I'm frightened of Serena being taken care of by her. She once left Serena alone to eat whole-sized ravioli; my mother ran out to the kitchen when she heard the baby choking. Laura was talking to her friends outside. The baby has scars all on her bottom from severe diaper rash because Laura wouldn't change her diaper when she was sleeping--"why wake her up?" My mother walked out to get the baby one morning after she woke up (the baby--and it was Laura's day to get the baby) and instead walked through the living room to find Laura and some guy having sex. Not her boyfriend--just a guy. Laura always waits until Serena is crying and screaming before picking her up and half the time, she just ignores her.

It breaks my heart. In a nutshell (a big one), I'm considering possibly moving to Florida to help my mother with Serena. My mother has AIDS and that's a fact and she can't commit 20 years to Serena's life--I can. My other sister is having her own baby and can't be distracted from that. She's finally getting her own life on track and though she loves Serena, she can't take care of two babies at once, being a first time mother. And I love Serena. So much. She and I have forged a fantastic bond. She just learned how to give kisses and hugs and we always have to ask for them, but over the last week, she just gives them to me. She runs to me when I come home (well, waddles really fast, really), and when I turn around, she buries her head in the crook behind my knees and holds on.

I'm going to be heartbroken when she leaves.