I find myself at the end of the workday with some time to tell you about my niece, Serena.

First, she is the most important thing I have in my life and she isn't even in it as often as I'd like. A lot of dirt has come from behind me since she was born; stuff I have patted down, tried to ignore, or washed over with "understanding" and "forgiveness." Now that she's alive being (mostly) raised by a person who has, in effect, denied me what I can only describe, in a few words, as normalcy, I see the outright manipulation. I see being done to her what I had no choice but to live and I recognize, as an adult who has been there, that it only guarantees less than what she deserves.

Serena is Laura's daughter. Laura is my youngest biological sister. She was 19 when Serena was born. You may remember when my sister came to Rochester to live with me for a short period while she was pregnant with Serena. She was four months along and didn't seem to recognize the miracle inside her. She called her stomach "this kid" and only after I asked her direct questions about the baby. She never talked about her baby, her future, or her health. She never went outside. She drank whole 2 liters of mountain dew, and when I offered to go for a walk with her, she refused. I would leave her money to get her outside to walk to the store, and perhaps buy something to eat because she refused to eat. She'd go to Dunkin' Donuts, by a dozen and more mountain dew, and eat that for the entire day.

Laura is depressed; it's as plain as plain can be. After Serena was born, Laura had complaints; mild, but there just the same. She stayed in Florida for about 8 months and decided to move up to Connecticut to live with my mother. Mom found that Laura was a lazy mother. Serena had scars on her bum from severe diaper rash because Laura wouldn't want to change her 'too much.' Laura left Serena in her crib to cry and ignored her until Serena finally stopped. She tugged and pulled at her hair. And when it was time for Serena to eat (if Laura remembered), she'd give her whole pieces of food and leave her alone to eat. My mother had to run out to the kitchen and bang on Serena's back when she heard her choking.

My mother eventually filed to get temporary custody of Serena. But my mother, though better, isn't what Serena deserves either. My mother is constantly tired from either her medications or her illness (does the difference matter?). She is easily frustrated; she wants to cure and change Laura; she wants to care for Serena; and more, she wants the money she gets for Serena because it makes her life easier. She is an enabler. Laura has gotten herself in so much trouble over the last two years, it's enough for any person strong enough to leave her to her own devices and let her learn. Mom, instead, gives her more money, more chances, more excuses. Meanwhile, Laura brings men home, the last names of whom she doesn't even know. She has sex in the living room while my mother walks through. She has sex with Serena in the room. She lets the men be around Serena. That alone is enough to terrify me. I've been around my mother's male friends; I've been around Laura's male friends. I've been around, okay? I know what kind of people "these people" bring home. And yes, I am referring to my sister and mother as "these people" because that's who they are; that is, unfortunately, what they will always be, at this moment, from where I'm standing.

When my mother came to visit me with the baby, I could see how tired she was. My mother couldn't wait to go to bed when I got home from lunch. Her back hurt, her legs hurt, she had migraines. She put Serena in the playpen and fell asleep while Serena watched television.

This is not how I want my niece to grow up. I want her to read books, to never be bored, to feel loved, to know that there is someone out there (me) who will DIE FOR HER.

My foster mother read to me a fantastic passage from a beauty queen who wrote that giving birth was a momentous event; it was choosing to remove your heart from your body and release it on the world.

Serena is my heart. I cannot ignore that.

My mother decided she had to move to Pensacola, Florida. My sister Joey came up, now married, and brought Serena back to Pensacola with her so my mother could drive down there in her car. Laura is staying in Connecticut (in all the time she has lived with my mother, since moving four years ago, Laura has never had a job, nor has my mother ever pushed her to get one).

Before I go on, I should probably point out that this last summer, my mother and Laura agreed to let me and my foster brother and his wife, watch Serena for the summer. She had a wonderful time. She stayed most of the week at Keiran and Deanna's and on weekend, I had her. We went to parks, she went swimming, we were outside a lot, we were together. I loved every second, despite the lack of sleep, and when she finally had to leave, I bawled. It was outright, childish, heartwrenching bawling.

So Serena gets down to Florida with my sister who suddenly has a child and no money and no daycare and no idea how to handle the whole situation. Mom goes down about a week later and starts in on, "Come live with me and the baby so you can help me take care of her." NO. My sister cannot live with my mother again; she has already stalled her live for five years living with my mother and catering to my mother's manipulation. So what is Mom doing? Trying to force Laura, the irresponsible, the unloving mother, to move to Florida. Why won't my mother just give custody to either my sister or myself? Because the checks she receives helps her. Also, because my mother likes to say that without Serena, she'd be dead by now.

I'm beginning to recognize all the ways my mother manipulates situations.

Reasons my niece cannot remain with either my sister Laura or my mother:

1) lack of stability: in the almost six years I have been living in Rochester, my mother has moved every year to a new environment. She cannot stay still. She's NEVER lived in one location for longer than a year.

2) Both my sister and my mother lack stable relationships; they trust too quickly and they give up too quickly. They will not find a reliable and stable partner and certainly not one that I would trust around my niece

3) They are greedy and see Serena as a paycheck, though they love her. They see her as frustrating, as hard work

4) They lack the patience to parent. They yell, they use negative language, they depend on televisions and other people to entertain

5) They are both severely depressed and fail to recognize that they need more help than they currently have in order to be productive people

6) They are selfish. They think only of how a situation works for them and not at all how it may affect the development of a child

7) Laura conforms so easily to people around her; friends on probation, committing crimes, possibly and most likely doing drugs. She takes the blame for her friends bad actions and my mother pays for them when money is needed

8) They have no conviction. They make decisions that they choose to break the following day.

9) But most importantly, they do not put Serena first. She is not their priority. THEY are their priority.

My mother has a terrible track record. Look at my life, for fuck's sake! My mother hasn't improved in motherhood since we were taken from her 13 years ago. What has she had to practice with? Laura moved in with her when she was 16. She dropped out of school, my mother said "good for you!" She said she was going to become a singer, my mother said, "good for you!" She decided she couldn't work, my mother said "good for you!" My mother sits me down and asks when I'll have a baby. I say I need a father. She says, "You don't need a father to have a baby, Ellie." She reminds me that I can just get pregnant and be a mom AND MAKE HER HAPPY because "I want more grandchildren before I die." I'll be fucking damned if I have a child for the "enjoyment" of my fucking mother.

Serena is my heart, stumbling around, having no home to call her own, no face to recognize as home, no love to cling to and feel secure in knowing it will be there tomorrow. I have to give that to her. I have to. And I know that if I decide it has to be me, and I have to write an affidavit against my sister and my mother, and I have to say, "I will love you," then I better do it right. I'll have to make sacrifices. I'll have to lose some part of what I wanted for myself. And that sucks. It really does, because if I had the chance to do those things, I could offer Serena so much more. But if I wait, it's three or four more years of Serena having no home and these years are important years. These are the years in which she learns skills, trust, and instinct that last her the rest of her life. I know the damage that non-attachment can cause in these few years, and I don't want that for her. I don't. I'd be a failure if I let it happen.