I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I had gone to see my sister Laura, who has been by herself in Connecticut for a while. I went with Sean. I was going to talk to her about Serena. When I got there, the door was unlocked and nobody was home. The windows were open, though the screens were still there. The back porch was no longer only as wide as the door, but ran the length of the house. When I walked inside, the refrigerator door was standing open and the light was on. There was food in the fridge, but not much. Stuff was scattered on the floors and there was a lot of natural light in the house. My mother tended to keep things dark because her eyes are sensitive; it's one of the reasons I always feel suffocated in my mom's surroundings. I searched the house and couldn't find Laura anyway. Then I saw a note tacked to the fridge. It said something about "I can finally get out." Those aren't the exact words, but the meaning is there. A message that could mean she ran away, or she killed herself. In the dream, I kept wondering if someone was going to check the bathroom. I didn't do it myself and didn't want to. I knew that I wanted to assume she had just packed up and gone and I was somewhat proud of her for doing it, hoping she was off to something better.

I talked to my sister Joey today who told me she asked our mother to let her and her husband take custody of Serena. That's great. But I feel my sister may be doing it when she doesn't 100% want to. I think she's afraid that she'll slow down my life if she doesn't, or that I'd be disappointed. I wouldn't. I want her to know that and I've been trying to tell her. When I told her I want her to be 100% confident and happy with that decision, she said it would just be harder if I took her because Mom wouldn't be as willing to let Serena leave the state. I wrote back that it doesn't matter. 1) It isn't necessary for Mom to live down there; she does because she chooses to. If she wants to be around the baby, she'll move. I already offered, anyway, for Mom to live with me, though that is no longer an option. 2) Not every person who is unwell has to live in sunny weather. We can accommodate. 3) Mom wouldn't be there if Joey wasn't there in the first place. She moved there because she knows that's where Joey is and she's always been able to get something from Joey.

It is so hard for both of us to look at Mom without that automatic sympathy. It's such a habit to do so, that we're blinded to the many ways in which she manipulates us. It takes a lot of convincing, but I try my best.