I moved to Baltimore. Happy as a lark without a job. Go me! I know I haven�t written in this here journal in quite a while, but I definitely have good reason. The last two months of my life have been hellish, but it�s finally beginning to taper off, I think.

I�m writing a book and I love it, only now that I�ve dismantled my computer, I have this ridiculous need to have my own computer up and running to complete it. I know it�s ridiculous, but I want to add on to the book in the same document. Not have bits and pieces of it scattered between different computers and disks. I may just have to get all the wires together from Sean�s parents house and hook up my computer just long enough to save it to disk. Or better yet, I�m staying at Sean�s place with his two roommates, who have their own computers, but are letting me store mine here as well. I�ll just hook it up, sans internet and music, and use it solely for writing my book, the title of which is TheTrunk. Ooooh�

In other news: I have discovered that I am, in a nut shell, worth it. Over the course of the last year or two, I�m sure my regular readers have found that I have a life of strife. I have also come up with many an excuse for my mother, who should have had more care in preventing that sort of life. Recently, my sister and I filed a complaint against my mother and my niece�s mother to child protective services in Florida. The result? My mother calling me at work to tell me she is no longer my mother. I wrote her a letter, a free write, in response. I had been planning on writing to my mother for quite some time to say �I�m angry. My life could have been different.� To say, �I care about Serena and don�t want to see her live a life at all similar to mine.� When my mother called me at work to disown me, I called Sean, in tears, who asked me if I had written that letter yet. I said no. He said �Well, perhaps now would be the best time. Just let it. Keep the pen moving. You don�t have to send it, but write it.� So I did. This is what I came up with:

[no name or anything] You justify every mistake with the reasons why you made them. They�re still mistakes. Serena can still be walking, eating and getter her diaper changed, but as long as she�s living with Laura and you, she is continually in danger, and you know it. You told me yourself when you came to Rochester and fell asleep without knowing it while Serena walked around my apartment. Laura is living like you did and you�re enabling her. I am seeing Serena live a life I lived, the one you provided. Because of your reasons and justifications, I have been harmed and hurt. That is YOUR fault. It is your duty�at a parent�to protect your children from harm. Instead, you invited strangers, men you hardly knew, and the streets into not only your space, but your children�s. And those people fucked with your children. That is your fault. We should have been paramount, and we were not.

Yes. You turned your life around�so now you feel you deserve a gift? A prize? A reward? And what prizes do you choose? Alcohol and methadone. You think that makes Serena safe? An alcoholic and drug addict agreeing to drink and take a narcotic. Abandonment and five moves. That all makes Serena safe? No. IT BREAKS HER.

You may think that by revoking your �motherhood,� I�m supposed to feel guilty, upset, or sad. Your �motherhood� was revoked the first time a man put his penis in my mouth. It was revoked the first time I watched him put his penis in Joey�s 4-year-old mouth. When I saw Deep Throat, Last House on the Left and I Spit on Your Grave when I was eight. When your boyfriend nearly broke my hand and another put his tongue in my mouth. When you allowed me to go on a two hour ride with a friend of yours who tongued me the entire time. When you asked me if you could use our school clothes money to buy cocaine and make crack. When you put cocaine on my tongue. When I searched your room every day for aluminum foil, razors, dusty mirrors and bent bottles with holes in them.

You haven�t been my mother for over twenty years. Took you long enough to fucking notice.

I have been beaten by a man you chose to leave us with. I have seen you having sex with men you said you hated because, as you assured me when I was ten, �sometimes a woman just needs it.�

If you were that fucked up at thirty, what makes you think Laura is a better mother now?

Her motherhood was revoked the first time she had sex in front of her daughter. The first time she did drugs. The first time she tried to kill herself when Serena was alive. The first time she yelled at her, grabbed her, yanked her, left her so she could be a goddamned prostitute.

You two aren�t fit for parenting. You�re barely adults.

I have given you every forgiveness. I have prayed for you. I have prayed for Serena. My entire office prayed for Laura. But the minute you called me to say you couldn�t JUSTIFY �spending money on O�Doull�s when there�s nothing in it,� I started taking back my forgivenesses. An alcoholic was talking to me. A selfish and manipulative woman who only wants.

You think you know what�s best for Serena? Then why are you letting Serena be raised by a sick woman who can�t run outside with her for more than an hour, who sleeps most of the day, who turned her back on years of rehabilitation and self-discovery�a quitter? You think Phil is proud of that? You think your excuses would get past him? Why let Serena be raised by a girl who prefers sex to a children�s hugs and the giving of herself to make her child happy? Laura likes being a mom when it�s cute and she�s inspired. In two weeks, like every time before, you�ll both be wretched and you�ll be needing a lift.

I�m not your mother. I am not cradling your guilt anymore. It�s yours. You did those things to me. You did them to yourself. You did them to Joey, Matt and Laura. And you know it. Laura is the only one of us who couldn�t push past the bullshit you put her through and it�s your own guilt that takes care of her now. For the last ten years, I�ve put in countless hours of coming up with excuses why you let these things happen to me�and it�s bullshit. I am not responsible for that. Seeing Serena walking about in the world�I see that it is your fault. I don�t care why the shit happened. YOU LET IT HAPPEN NO M ATTER WHAT.

While you redeem yourself to Laura, you�re subjecting Serena to the same sloppy life I had. The shitty lost childhood. I saw too many dicks by the time I was ten. I felt man�s fat and dry fingers in my vagina. I was beaten until my nose bled and my hair was tangled. I cooked dinner and taught my brother and sisters the difference between good touch and bad touch. I guarantee that if you let Laura raise Serena, she�ll know those things too.

And now I�m scolding you. Why is that?

You have never been my mother? That�s what you said to me on the phone? YOU�RE DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVEN�T. You would never put any of your children in harm�s way? TOO FUCKING LATE. You have and you are!

The very fact that you feel I�m doing this against you attests to your selfishness. You�re not looking at Serena as a child�you look at her as a prize; a trophy. You treat her as your �redemption child��a little girl you want to use to prove to anybody else that you won�t mess up again.

Too late. You messed up. Fix it.

If you think you can prove me wrong and give her a proper life worth living�unlike the bullshit and pain you put us through�then start doing it. But right now, you haven�t given her a damned thing different than you gave to the four kids you have already let down. The only difference is that this is your second chance to save a child�and you�re only thinking of yourself and your shitty pride.

I�m not doing shit to you. I�m doing this FOR SERENA. She�s a child. She�s my heart walking out into the world and I know she can have something good. You�re holding on fast like she�s a piece of money. She deserves a good life. I can�t believe you won�t give it to her. I would die for that little girl. You act like she�s a goddamned flag, that I�m doing this to get you back or because I just want something cute to have. That�s what Laura is doing. That�s what you are doing. I don�t have to get you back for shit. You have to live with it. It�s yours. I just want that little girl safe. I don�t want men putting their penises in her mouth. I don�t want her to see Laura fuck up her life the way I saw it happen.

The cycle of this shitty life stops here. I will not let you or Laura subject Serena to it. She has done nothing to deserve it. So I did something about it. Suck up and admit that you can�t care for her. You know you can�t. Admit that Laura can�t either. This is not about who is better. It�s about what�s better for Serena. As long as she�s under your care and Laura�s, you can guarantee she�s going to be hurt. And it will be your fault. Again.

So yeah. It�s an ice block off my chest that was never melting.

And after careful consideration, I think I�m going to actually send it. She needs to know.