Money problems are always plaguing me. I hate it. I really do. I feel confident with each new paycheck that it will actually last me through the two weeks or so until I'm paid again and then--boom--it doesn't. I feel like I hadn't even done anything remotely irresponsible or out of the way--that I have money and am doing well with not buying anything expensive or completely unnecessary. Then I buy something, like a necklace, for $15, and when I go to look at my bank information online, I see that I have only $5.00. How is it that this always happens to me? I get so frustrated and angry. Mostly, it's because I know how Jon will react. The same way all my boyfriends have reacted.

In high school, my high school sweetheart saw me always as the foster kid with no money. When we went to a movie--one particular occasion my foster mother remembers--he asked me which movie I wanted to see that day. When I told him, he replied, "Well, since I'm paying, we're going to see this one." When I was off to college, he asked me about him staying over in my dorm. I said it won't be a problem. He said, "Don't you think it's up to your roommate?" When I said it's just as much my room as hers, he replied, "Not really; she's the one that's really paying for it." See, I went to college on scholarships. Apparently, only poor people did.

Well, then I got engaged--my depressed-induced relationship with Daniel. My credit shot through the roof and immediately subsided deep in the pits of debt. I hardly crawled out with my social security number still identifying me as human. Therefore, my next boyfriend, Matt, felt I was irresponsible with money and wouldn't be able to manage it if every dollar came with a 12-tape "how to manage this dollar" course. I would say to Matt, "Let's go out to dinner." He'd say, "I don't really want to pay for dinner." I'd say, "My treat." He's say, "No. You can't afford it." To which I finally would reply, "Should you be balancing my checkbook for me?" And now... Jon has his own snide comments. Whenever I have a new necklace or nailpolish, I feel like lying about it when he says, "Where did that come from?" I'll go out to get a $1.29 double decker taco with beans and he'll lecture me on how my money will be gone at the end of the month. This coming from a guy who never had to work while he was in college (except summer), never had to pay for his own car or car insurance or any medical bills. I've practically taken care of everything that has to do with living on my own since I was 18. And he lectures me. I feel like kicking him in the mouth sometimes and lately, I'm more and more wary of his criticism and I let him know it. He can tell I'm not being humored or humiliated by his criticism. I kick back. I say, "Shut up," or "it's none of your business."

I've gotten tired of begging for affection. I've gotten tired of analyzing whose fault it is that we aren't both smiling or laughing. I've gotten tired of reaching for his hand and hoping he doesn't pull away. So for the last few weeks, I haven't asked for anything from him. When my sister went away for a weekend, he seemed nicer. Pleasant. He seemed a bit appreciative of me and my presence around him. But now that she's back, I'm wondering again if the relationship is worth it. I'm tired. Very tired of wondering if I'm going to have a relationship for the rest of my life or not. So I think that after my sister moves, I may very well move out and live by myself. What's the worse that could happen? We realize--or rather, I realize, that he either is or is not in love with me. He realizes the same. And then I'm already separated. I'm already learning about what I'm like as an individual.

This, of course, depends on money. I have to try to save money to get a new apartment. To get a security deposit ready. I'm sure my foster mother may help me with it, but I'm not sure. We'll see, I suppose. I don't really want to ask her because I don't want to discuss the unhappy aspects of my relationship and conclude that breaking up is the best thing to do. I'm not ready for that conclusion even though it's been breathing down my back for a while. Maybe when Jon broke up with me five months ago, it was the best thing. But I really did and still do have hope for us. Only I see that I've put in effort alone--he hasn't, as far as I can tell.

Still I'm plagued by remembering that he's studying electrical and computer engineering and applied physics; he's at the last stages--the most stressful--doing his proposal and writing his dissertation. I've seen students at this point and it's extremely stressful. I think that moving out and giving him the space to concentrate on that is healthy.

Too much for me to work through when I try to help other people understand their lives and stabilize them. But it's going on and moving on and I just follow...

I just wish I had a personal finance manager in my purse.