I've been cruising through Sasha's Nibelung. If I had enough friends online, it's a great concept! I love using the ring mode. That could fill your entire day without a hitch.

I'm feeling tired today and have realized it's not all that uncommon for me lately. I want to be whimsical right now. Do you ever have that feeling? That you just want to look outside a window and have these magical thoughts flow in and out of your head, then you life up a really nice pen and say, "I'm going to write this down and when I put my pen down, my mind will rest and I'll be a free spirit." Then there are those moments I look up and think, "Garbage!" As in--"this is so phony."

A man at work is a huge flirt and I love it. His affections make me feel ticklish and I realize this is a natural reaction to flirtatious behavior. Only it's sad to me how much I want to suck it up. I want that affection every day. To curl up to it at night.

I'm looking forward to the idea of living by myself, but I expect I'll be very frightened. I haven't told Jon I'd like to do it yet and wonder if maybe I shouldn't wait until the start of the new year because I have to consider that he'll have to get a new roommate to pay for this apartment. And that's just plain ol' mean. I looked at one bedroom and studio apartment prices last night and I do think I can afford it. If I wait until January 1st, the benefit is that I can really save up some money and maybe buy myself a couch and a television before moving in. Or actually, a bed. I'd love to actually sleep in a twin bed. I know it sounds ridiculous, but the idea truly does appeal to me. I bet I can get one for a real cheap price too, right? Oooers. I'm loving that idea. Back to college.

I get sad sometimes when I think about college. I missed the entire first year. I got there, had my boyfriend visit me (whom I had never met until then), stay for two weeks. Two days after he leaves, my roommate hates me cause we didn't bond cause I was with my boyfriend at hotels and bed & breakfasts, and my father died. My foster mother and sisters came to school to tell me. I went home for two weeks, I went back to school, and the entire year was a blur of insomnia, paranoia and french class. It was terrible. And I haven't lived on a college campus since. I never went to parties, never bonded with other classmates, didn't go out and "get 'em." I just sat there and waited until it was over so I could just GO.

In some ways, getting my own place--I imagine--will take me back there. Plus, Jon will be writing his dissertation for the next few months and I really don't know if I can handle that stress. I think I'd rather just be in my own space, learning about my life, and then saying, "Hey, look at this guy." See him from the outside and maybe not be so caught up in all that's happening in HIS life, but learn to get caught up in MINE. I'd like that so much more, I think.

Which reminds me. You know what I'm going to do right now? I'm going to get a basket and hang it up next to the computer and put my bills in it. Then I'm going to sit down and plan a budget that includes EVERY SINGLE bill I have from USA Data Net (the best phone plan EVER), to magazines to rent to "incidentals." And my life is going to get some order, dammit!

I want to leave chaos behind me; keep it only for sex. Yeah.