My end-of-day feeling is quite similar to one that has been plagued by one bad thing after another. That isn't the case; but it's been emotional, that's for sure.

I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to go walking for an hour with Anna; that is something that I'm excited about doing. I like waking up for an activity like that. Granted, I wish it was daylight outside and not dark when we do it--it adds that positive energy walking is supposed to give us anywho.

We finished at 6:05 and I went home and promptly feel back to bed. Then I woke up at 8 a.m. so I could get to my therapy appointment. At therapy, I just fell into tears, upset that I love Jon so much but can't be without the affection I've always wanted and am not getting. It's hurtful. And Dr. W. pointed out that it just may not be in Jon's nature to share affection. To spread his wings is uncomfortable. He feels there is no doubt that Jon cares for me and loves me, but it's easy for us to see that Jon is uncomfortable with emotion and affection. That leaves me with the choice to either try to live with it, wait it out, or just know that it won't come and it's so important to me, I break up with him and hope�

But I don't want to break up with him. I love him. So really, I'm quite sure that getting an apartment for myself will be good. When he wants to share his space, he can do that on his own. And I can learn whether or not it's his affection I'm looking for, or just any affection. I'm more and more excited about the apartment because not only does it give me a chance to see how my own life will go and where it is right now--but I'm hoping it allows Jon the chance to also learn about his. I feel like he underestimates me and my ability and now I know that it's the secondary reason for getting my own place, but I still feel it's a worthy one. He can see that I do make decisions that affect him and that I am strong enough to stand on my own. He can see that I am somebody who should be appreciated and cared for. I feel now that he thinks I'm too weak to be on my own and so that's why he doesn't TRY to give me what he knows I need.

Those are my thoughts right now concerning THAT.

In other news, I went to work and to a home visit. The brother and teenage son of my client was on the front porch. I said, "Is Lonnie home?" And they said something, stuttering like. I asked what they said and the response was that he died last night. He had liver cancer, and I knew this. He was given four months to live about three weeks ago. Last week, when I saw him, he was fine. He was better than he's ever been. He went for walks, he went to the store, he was cleaning up the house, he was fattening up again. He was cheerful and happy and chipper. Granted, he did fall asleep once while I was talking to him, but always pleasant and nice. I cried driving back home. I thought about my mother; the fact that for most of her days, she feels terrible. And if I'm sad about a client I've known a month, how will I respond to my mother when she goes? It's too much.

And then I just had a headache for the whole day after that. Right now, I'm tired and want to go to sleep and rest and watch TV, but I have to do work for a professor. I'm her research assistant and a deal is a deal.

Take care out there.