I really feel kind of stupid. I keep wanting this guy to call me and I don't even know if I even liked him at all! I just liked that someone was cuddling with me and it felt so great and now I want to invite him over to watch a movie with me. I'm like a twelve year old, wondering if he hasn't called because he really just wanted to have fun; is it because he was serious when he thought I didn't like him?; is it because he has tried calling but my message doesn't say my name so he hasn't left a message? I haven't known the guy more than five freakin' hours!!!

OH. I've been daydreaming about snuggling and having someone rub my leg or my shoulder or kiss my forehead. These are things I was hoping Jon would do when were together and I want them very badly now. Who doesn't, right? Only I hate to admit it. Now don't get me wrong. A very real part of me wants something incredibly relaxing, no stress, no worries, no real relationship, but something nice and cozy. I don't even know if I know how to do this, but I want to just the same.

My friends are having a party Saturday night and we've decided I'll invite Jeff if he calls me before then. Only--he may not call me and then a fun party would have been missed. I know where he lives. I know his whole name. I know he hates his father. I know he works in a carpet store and I know he doesn't have a degree. I know he grew up in the area and has an older brother that's married. But I don't know his phone number cause I didn't ask and now I don't know if perhaps it would have been a fun thing to try out. I like the idea of dating, even if I only see the guy for a month or two months--just cut it while it's still fun but you realize it isn't it. I want that power for a little while; to have those experiences, build them up, find something great to add to my own pile of "history."

Maybe I just like the fact that Jeff is the first person to show interest, and it didn't make me uncomfortable. Some others have shown interest, but it makes me get rigid and twitchy. He didn't make me feel that way at all. I think that's what I'm most attracted to.

Ugh. I don't like this. It doesn't feel right at all to be so gushy and girly and� it's just not me! It's odd. And I almost hate to admit it even here because four of my real-life friends read this and it's so embarrassing!

I guess this is what comes with privacy, isn't it? Silly me. Trix are for kids.