Before I met Jeff, during the days when I was single, I had a tryst with a man who was not single. He had a girlfriend he had been with for about three years and had bought a house with her about the time I did my once-in-a-lifetime bad thing. I was feeling pretty selfish and wanted to think that I was finally having the opportunity to use a man for my own physical benefit. Why this is important to do in a lifetime, I don't know. Anyway, he became engaged soon after and then married and then found out they were 5 months pregnant and this weekend, his daughter was born. I feel very strange about this. I do not know why. Probably because I work with him, see him everyday, and we have this illegal "tryst" between us.

I have a feeling I'll also feel weird if Matt is pregnant too. Rememember him? I posted an entry back in 2002 after I had met him again for the first time in a long time. He had become engaged, then he was married, and now I feel it's quite possibly the time when he'd be thinking about being a father. It feels very strange to me.

I had visited Jon about three weeks ago because a birthday present for me was delivered to our old apartment. When I went up to his apartment, not only did I notice that Jon had lost a lot of weight (he didn't look bad; he looked very good actually--back to the weight he was when we met), but also all the pictures he had of us were still up and around the apartment. Everything in the apartment looked exactly as it was when I moved out almost one year ago. It made me sad. He looked kind of sad. It took him a full 30 minutes to talk to me and look at me at the same time. He's going to be taking a job at MIT at the end of the summer. I'm scared for him because it's so easy for him to be depressed and a lot harder for him to get help.

Meanwhile, I'm here. For the first time ever last night, Jeff called me a bitch. I was in a sour mood and noticed a little too acutely, that Jeff wasn't saying anything positive. I cooked us dinner last night and he said, "That fish doesn't smell too good." I asked him how he liked the blanket I had made for a friend and he said, "It's small." And then I had made some tea (blackberry) and he said, "Ugh. That smells awful!" to which I very sharply and unthinkingly replied, "Can you just stop talking!" I apologized for that immediately; he was very quiet, looked a little surprised and hurt. Later, I was going over what bills to pay for the month and he asked me if I was going to have any money at all for the concerts we're going to at the end of the month. I hate it when men want to talk about my money. I've had too much history with that in the past and wasn't up for it. I told him to not worry about me; to leave me alone; I'd handle it and I'd be fine--he shouldn't be worrying about my money. He said he was because he couldn't cover both of us. And again, I snapped. That's when he called me a bitch. He said, "You don't have to be a bitch about it." And I left the room, went to my room, felt shitty and thought, "Why?" I have no idea why. It just happens.

I wish I could afford to pay off my $400 therapy bill so I could go back and get a refill on my prescriptions. I had to stop taking my anti-depressants two months ago because I couldn't afford to buy the scrip. Same reason why I mainly stopped taking my birth control too. Now I feel like shit. Not always--but it IS always in the back of my throat--that shitty feeling; that "something is wrong here" feeling; that slight feeling of depression just hanging around until something happens or something is said to set it off and make me feel even worse. Ugh.