Here's a bit of a crisis journal entry. A brain dump. A whiner list. A "isn't my life so hectic right now?" kind of journal entry that begs for sympathy so I know I'm not crazy.

Again, I've come to the point where I am due to refill my antidepressants and don't have the money for it. I'm overdue in my phone bills, my electricity, my cable (I'll cancel my cable to try to stop that). I owe two car payments at my next paycheck. I was supposed to pay Target $20 last week and didn't, so now I own them $40 with my next paycheck. I'm starting therapy on August 25 with a new therapist and though my foster mother is contributing $100 a month, it's still an added expense. My car is 2,000 miles over due for an oil change. I own Dell $90 for my computer because I failed to make a payment on time last month. I have to buy a plane ticket to Florida for October for a sister's wedding. It's on a TUESDAY, so I also have to take time off of work. Jeff is thinking I don't want to spend time with him, but he's not making any effort to show he values me, so yes. I don't. Only that's not the point. The point is that I ask for him to come over or do things with me and he says no and now is turning it on me (and quite honestly, I don't want to hear my friends berate my relationship anymore. It's mine and though I value you all as friends, I love him and there are more moments than these crappy ones that make me value that relationship. You aren't a part of those moments and I'm not about to share them with people who make an obvious disgusted reply to anything to do with my relationship with him). My mother is coming this coming week. I'm moving out of my place at the end of September, so need money to prepare for this. I owe my sister $150. I'm getting promoted in my job but I'm not getting a pay increase. I have shitty shitty shitty clothes (any size 6's out there who want to donate a wardrobe?). All my clothes are either goodwill or clearance and most of them (especially pants) don't fit me. I have a very small selection of dress shirts, most of which are long sleeved and I'm really warm.

Incidentally, I'm serious about this clothing donation thing. I could really use some new clothes (new to me is a-okay). I need dresses, skirts, SHIRTS and PANTS.

More to my rambling and whining: it all boils down to money, really. If I didn't worry about this stress, then I feel I could deal with my emotional things a lot more easily. I have to have a real talk with Jeff anyway. I have to sit down with him and tell him all this bullshit I feel I'm going through with moving, my job, my niece moving away to Florida. Another double-whammy (emotional and money).

I gave my mother my little 1991 Corolla. She's going to drive to Florida with herself, my sister, my niece and a cat and dog in a car all the way to Florida. 1) The car isn't all that reliabe; 2) It doesn't have air conditioning; 3) She also has to pack it full of stuff to bring with her, like clothing; 4) My mother can't drive more than two hours at a time because she has neuropathy and her bones and nerves go insane, so she's going to have to pull over repeatedly and walk around and stay at hotels and drive during the day time to keep with MY LAZY SISTER'S SCHEDULE. She doesn't want to travel at night and risk messing up her schedule or some other bullshit like that.

Why is this a money thing? Because I want to get my sister and Serena a plane ticket to my other sister's house in Florida so my mother can pack the car and go herself, which she can do on her own without a problem. We don't need to intensify the risk by having a 1 1/2 year old in the car for 10 hours a day...

I feel so terrible for my niece and I can't do for her all that I want to do.

I have rolls of pictures I can't afford to develop. I am going to be a week off my antidepressants and can't keep up with it regularly so I'm wondering what it's doing to my body. I'm keeping the $65 dollar month membership to my gym because I need it to release my brain, only I haven't been able to go in a month because with my niece around and my mom around at various points this summer and going to concerts and all this other bullshit I shouldn't have done in order to not have stress--I haven't been able to get in. I'll go today, even though my first inclination is to sit and watch Charmed nad Law & Order all night long.

Grrrrr....